Calling All Critiques: Entry #4 (Adult Fantasy)

Kudos to Michelle Clover for taking the plunge! Michelle submitted the first 500 words of her Adult Fantasy novel, A Kingdom Betrayed, in exchange for an honest critique. Before you read the excerpt, let me remind you that you’re more than welcome to pitch in with your own critique in the comments section, but please make sure to:

Be nice. Be constructive. Be specific. Be polite.

For more information on this cross-blog event’s rules, read this: Calling All Critiques: The Rules.

And, as mentioned previously, just for helping out, please feel free to enter our Rafflecopter giveaway. One lucky person will win a $10 Amazon gift card, an eCopy of It Ain’t Easy Being Jazzy by Quanie Miller, and an eCopy of Guarding Angel by S. L. Saboviec.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Now here’s Michelle’s excerpt:

Entry: #4
Name: Michelle Clover
Title: A Kingdom Betrayed
Genre: Adult Fantasy

The chirping of birds announced the approaching dawn outside Praiven’s window, a distraction he scarcely noticed. He had been up all night, hunched over his bedchamber’s small oak desk, studying from the hidden tomes the queen discovered the previous afternoon while making last minute preparations to the royal nursery.

Originally the room had been used by Thaddeus, the previous king, as a study, but Queen Sienna felt the location was much more suitable to house the child she and King Alexander were expecting in the upcoming weeks. While attempting to hang a painting on the far wall, she came across a loose stone. When she pulled it away, she uncovered two thick tomes, one right behind the other. Ancient writing she did not recognize graced the cover. Luckily, the queen was smart enough not to open the text herself, but instead called for the court mage.

Praiven had only to skim through the leather-bound books a moment before he realized what they were. When Sienna inquired about them, the elf told her they were simply relics that held no significance and he would make sure they were returned to the library. He could tell by the skepticism in her grey eyes that she did not believe his words for a moment, but she chose to remain silent in her misgivings.

Upon leaving the queen, Praiven carried the tomes back to his room and shut himself in for the evening. He knew there must have been a reason the old king had hidden them away in such a manner and he was determined to find out why. He had to carefully peruse them both to really understand the implications of their words on the actions he had taken over the past several months, but it was all there, plain as the nose on his wizened face.

The ancient elf slammed the book shut and cursed his stupidity and neglect. How could he have missed it? How did he not realize that the prophecies leading up to that point contained such a gap?

Praiven leaned back in his chair and began to rub his temples with his fingertips. His head was pounding from trying to connect the text he had been using as a guideline for decades with the newly discovered information. He allowed a small bit of magic to flow into his brain in an effort to ease the pain. Although the healing dulled it a bit, the headache was still present. A prophet would not have had such an issue, but Praiven was no prophet. Even though he could read the text without going completely mad, it was still not an easy undertaking.

A loud pounding on his door caused the elf to jump. Praiven did not even have time to respond before the soldier on the other side barged through the door. He appeared to be frightened and panic colored his voice when he spoke.

“My Lord Praiven, the midwife, she sent me to find you. There’s a problem with the queen. Please hurry.”


Did this whet your appetite for more critiquing? Then head off to the other bloggers’ sites and chip in there as well.




23 thoughts on “Calling All Critiques: Entry #4 (Adult Fantasy)

  1. I’m loving this and I can’t wait to read more.

    I would have liked a bit more dialogue, like when Sienna inquired about the books and did not believe the answers… I think that would have been an ideal place to set up the characters’ relationship with each other through their dialogue.

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