Here’s another entry by a brave writer who would appreciate constructive feedback. Please read and comment appropriately. If you do, don’t forget to enter our Rafflecopter giveaway. One lucky person will win a $10 Amazon gift card, an eCopy of It Ain’t Easy Being Jazzy by Quanie Miller, and an eCopy of Guarding Angel by S. L. Saboviec.

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Please note that the excerpt contains strong language.

Entry #16

Name: S. L. Saboviec
Website: http://www.saboviec.com
Title: The Exorcist’s Assistant
Genre: Adult Dark Urban Fantasy

Scarlet was in her office, going over a project status report, when the skin on the back of her neck prickled.

IT was back.

For one stomach-clenching, head-twisting, freezing-sweat moment, she was no longer an almost-fifty vice president of technology in a large bank, she was an eight-year-old girl, huddled under the covers and shivering. Despite the glare of the overhead lights and the twilight glow coming through her window, midnight darkness blasted her skin with a chilly breeze.

“Aw, hell, no.” The words had no effect. She threw her pen across the office. It bounced against the closed door and landed in her trash can. Well, that did a lot of good.

She stood and peered out the small frosted window along the door frame and saw what she expected: Nothing. No human eyes checking if she was still at work at six o’clock in the evening. No janitorial staff passing by and whistling a tune. She turned and stared out her twenty-second floor window, but the tinted glass prevented UV rays and prying eyes from seeing
her.

Scarlet bent down and pulled her pen from the waste basket. She threw it on her desk, ignoring the shivers that told her the creature that had menaced her as a child was back. Sleepless nights and crab-like terror crawling through her belly had been her constant companions for years.

“This is unacceptable,” she said in her best boardroom voice. “What do you want?”

Something moved behind her, and she whirled. The motivational poster on her wall was askance. She marched across the room and straightened it. “That’s it? You want to make a commentary on my art choices?”

She opened the door and stalked down the hall to the vending machine.

It followed her, of course. What else would it do? Just as it had stood over her bed, a black, formless shape that disappeared with the morning, she would never be able to see it in the light of day. But it was there.

Why was it back? The goddamned thing had done nothing more than stir stomach-clenching dread in her as a child, the same dread that was hovering around her, that she was now keeping at bay with sheer rage. For years, Scarlet hadn’t slept well. She’d anchored herself in her schoolwork and withdrawn into a shell, losing childhood friends. Yet it had done nothing but keep her awake and terrified.

Who did it think it was, anyway?

Fucking… thing.

Scarlet plunked money into the machine and pulled out a candy bar. And now it was forcing her to sugar and carbs. Didn’t that just figure. But she needed the calories to think of what to do. When was the last time she’d eaten? She’d been in meetings over lunch, and she may have forgotten to consume anything except coffee for breakfast.

Scarlet shoveled the candy bar into her mouth faster than was socially acceptable. If it was going to be rude, she was certainly not going to be polite either.
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There’s more to critique!

After leaving your comments, you can head over to one or more of these blogs to see some more great entries:

• Before Ink Dries
• Magic & Mayhem Book Reviews
• MM Jaye Writes
• Official Blog of Brian Basham
• Proof Positive
• Quanie Talks Writing

Thank you to the entrants and the participants!

Thank you to everyone who has shared their work for us to critique. We hope that our feedback is useful.

Also, please note that we still have spots open: Submit your first 500 words to Critiques@Saboviec.com for inclusion in this week’s blog posts. We need it by tonight at 8 p.m. if you want to be included tomorrow and spots are still open.

For critiquers (and if you’re an entrant and you critique, you’re a critiquer), feel free to enter our Rafflecopter giveaway. One lucky person will win a $10 Amazon gift card, an eCopy of It Ain’t Easy Being Jazzy by Quanie Miller, and an eCopy of Guarding Angel by S. L. Saboviec.

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Entry #9

Name: Leo Valiquette
Website: www.leovaliquette.com
Title: The Sword and the Skull
Genre: Adult epic fantasy

The iron bells of the Holy Clerisy summoned the faithful of Vysus to morning prayers.

It had been eight years since Sabelwood, and Ryn still couldn’t bear the sound of it. Bells had tolled that night, too. They had been different bells, in a far distant place, but the Clerisy’s cry was the same, wherever it ruled, always shouting the crimes he had committed in its name. A tide of anxious fear, thick and dark, threatened to smother him, driven closer with each strike of the bells’ clappers. Some mornings were worse than others. Today, it was coming on like a raging bear defending her cubs.

He took slow, measured breaths and focused on the singsong chants of the shamanists, rising from a thousand rooftops in praise of the new sun. The rhythms of the two religions drifted through the bedroom’s narrow window with the teasing aromas of outdoor cooking hearths and bread ovens. He could sense the arid heat of the isthmus, rising to chase away the night’s cool respite, through the thick walls of mud brick and stucco.

By the time the bells had gone silent, the worst of his terrors had passed—his penance done for another day.

Josalind’s face was still buried in her pillow, arms cradled over her head. He attempted to slip from beneath the linen sheets without rousing her, but his foot had barely passed the edge of the mattress before her slender frame was astride his waist and coppery red curls tickled his cheeks.

“And where do you think you’re off to?” she asked.

Ryn looked deep into the milky cataracts that blinded her, but, as always, saw only the sea-green lost beneath. “I’ve got to get something.”

“Do you, now?” She brushed her lips across his chin. “You dreams were dark again last night.”

“Were they?”

Did her Sight give her only a sense of their nature, or did she know more? She had never said, and he had never mustered the courage to ask. He seldom remembered his dreams, but if they were dark, there was little doubt about what they concerned. For so long he had wanted to tell her about Sabelwood, of how his cowardice on that evil night was the true beginning of the road that had brought them together and led to Vysus. But as the years had passed, it had become that much more difficult to speak of it. It was his secret, his shame, his burden to bear.

He savored a slow kiss before wiggling out from under her. “Wait here.”

“For what?”

“Just wait.”

He visited the water closet, pulled on a loose cotton shirt and short pants, and made for his desk in the common room of their apartment. A palatar’s sword rested in its scabbard against the desk–a bitter reminder of faith forsaken and oaths broken that he couldn’t bear to cast away. Facets of stained glass were mounted in the squarish pommel, gleaming with the colors of the Clerisy as if the sword hungered to answer the bells’ call to duty.

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There’s more to critique!

After leaving your comments, you can head over to one or more of these blogs to see some more great entries:

• Before Ink Dries
• Magic & Mayhem Book Reviews
• MM Jaye Writes
• Official Blog of Brian Basham
• Proof Positive
• Quanie Talks Writing

Thank you to the entrants and the participants!

Kudos to Michelle Clover for taking the plunge! Michelle submitted the first 500 words of her Adult Fantasy novel, A Kingdom Betrayed, in exchange for an honest critique. Before you read the excerpt, let me remind you that you’re more than welcome to pitch in with your own critique in the comments section, but please make sure to:

Be nice. Be constructive. Be specific. Be polite.

For more information on this cross-blog event’s rules, read this: Calling All Critiques: The Rules.

And, as mentioned previously, just for helping out, please feel free to enter our Rafflecopter giveaway. One lucky person will win a $10 Amazon gift card, an eCopy of It Ain’t Easy Being Jazzy by Quanie Miller, and an eCopy of Guarding Angel by S. L. Saboviec.

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Now here’s Michelle’s excerpt:

Entry: #4
Name: Michelle Clover
Title: A Kingdom Betrayed
Genre: Adult Fantasy
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The chirping of birds announced the approaching dawn outside Praiven’s window, a distraction he scarcely noticed. He had been up all night, hunched over his bedchamber’s small oak desk, studying from the hidden tomes the queen discovered the previous afternoon while making last minute preparations to the royal nursery.

Originally the room had been used by Thaddeus, the previous king, as a study, but Queen Sienna felt the location was much more suitable to house the child she and King Alexander were expecting in the upcoming weeks. While attempting to hang a painting on the far wall, she came across a loose stone. When she pulled it away, she uncovered two thick tomes, one right behind the other. Ancient writing she did not recognize graced the cover. Luckily, the queen was smart enough not to open the text herself, but instead called for the court mage.

Praiven had only to skim through the leather-bound books a moment before he realized what they were. When Sienna inquired about them, the elf told her they were simply relics that held no significance and he would make sure they were returned to the library. He could tell by the skepticism in her grey eyes that she did not believe his words for a moment, but she chose to remain silent in her misgivings.

Upon leaving the queen, Praiven carried the tomes back to his room and shut himself in for the evening. He knew there must have been a reason the old king had hidden them away in such a manner and he was determined to find out why. He had to carefully peruse them both to really understand the implications of their words on the actions he had taken over the past several months, but it was all there, plain as the nose on his wizened face.

The ancient elf slammed the book shut and cursed his stupidity and neglect. How could he have missed it? How did he not realize that the prophecies leading up to that point contained such a gap?

Praiven leaned back in his chair and began to rub his temples with his fingertips. His head was pounding from trying to connect the text he had been using as a guideline for decades with the newly discovered information. He allowed a small bit of magic to flow into his brain in an effort to ease the pain. Although the healing dulled it a bit, the headache was still present. A prophet would not have had such an issue, but Praiven was no prophet. Even though he could read the text without going completely mad, it was still not an easy undertaking.

A loud pounding on his door caused the elf to jump. Praiven did not even have time to respond before the soldier on the other side barged through the door. He appeared to be frightened and panic colored his voice when he spoke.

“My Lord Praiven, the midwife, she sent me to find you. There’s a problem with the queen. Please hurry.”

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Did this whet your appetite for more critiquing? Then head off to the other bloggers’ sites and chip in there as well.

• M.G.’s Fantasy Blog – M.G. Silverstein
• Magic & Mayhem Book Reviews – S. L. Saboviec
• Official Blog of Brian Basham – Brian Basham
• Proof Positive – Christie Stratos
• Quanie Talks Writing – Quanie Miller